This is a long time coming, we’re aware – but better late than never. As the 21st season of ABC’s “The Bachelor” is ramping up, the contestants left for Nick Viall – arguably the most frustrating, Toll-House-Elf-Turned-Human there ever was – to fall in love with are dwindling. Dropping like flies. Coming to their senses. Too normal to keep on a show in which the only way to win is to hear a short, hairless man mumble ‘will you marry me’. Thousands of completely legitimate reasons. Either way, there’s 3. Yup, 3.

Here they are, coupled with all (if any) important information about them, so that you, our loving, attentive audience, can knowledgeably keep up with television history. With the intense research that has been conducted to properly publish this article, we have also ranked them – because, you know, why not? You’re welcome.

Corrine

 

Draft Prediction: First round, should be the final rose, Corrine is arguably the best thing to happen to the Bachelor since Chad this summer. The legitimate only way I can see her not winning this season is because Chris Harrison knows that her and Chad could be better than Rob and Chyna.

You Probably Know Her As: this season’s villain/the only woman vain enough to fully deserve Nick’s heart/the girl with a Nanny/the girl who sleeps during Rose Ceremonies/the girl who brought that bouncy house that one time/the girl you relate to/every girl you ever hated in highschool/me

Vanessa

 

Draft Prediction: Ugh, if I’m being honest here, probably final two. Will win if Corrine doesn’t. It’s not that I don’t like her – I just feel like she’s too smart/successful/kind/genuine/boss to have her story be one that includes marrying Nick Viall. Help yaself, girl.

You Probably Know Her As: The special needs teacher/the girl who threw up on that date/the *first* girl this season to make Nick cry/the girl who scolded Nick when Corrine got that bouncy house/the girl who called that other girl “D Low”(?)/the girl everyone likes

Raven

 

Draft Prediction: Ends at hometowns. Honestly, I used to not understand her hype until I realized she was the woman who on a One-On-One Date not only told Nick that she loved him but also that she once legitimately beat an ex boyfriend in the head with a stiletto. Should (and probably will) also be on “Bachelor in Paradise”

You Probably Know Her As: That girl who BEAT HER EX BOYFRIEND IN THE HEAD WITH A STILETTO BUT IS STILL ON THE BACHELOR GETTING ROSES/the girl who cheered with Nick the first night/the girl from the South/the girl with the accent/the girl who somehow is honest to God in love with Nick/the girl who wears bright clothing/the silent second funniest contestant

Rachel

Draft Prediction: If you don’t already know, Rachel is ABC’s next Bachelorette – now you do. I am just as mad as you are. ABC announced this LAST NIGHT while Rachel is STILL ON THE SHOW – if there’s one thing I really hate about the Bachelor Franchise that I legitimately wish to change, it is the leaking of the winners/future plans when the show is STILL ON AIR. I don’t watch this show for the love, I watch it for the laughs – we ALL do, ABC. Stop crashing our party.

You Probably Know Her As: The lawyer/the NEW BACHELORETTE.

ELIMINATED

Danielle M

Reason for Elimination: Honestly, too normal for the show.

You Probably Know Her As: The girl from the ferris wheel One-On-One/the pretty girl/the normal girl/the girl who barely speaks on air/let’s be honest you probably don’t recognize her – it’s okay.

Kristina

Reason for Elimination:  I am aware how controversial this is – led with her sob story, wore the same outfit as Nick on a date.

You Probably Know Her As: the Dental Hygienist you could never understand/the only person to mumble words as much as Nick Viall/the girl who overcame being abandoned/the girl who probably will write a tell-all book to then be made into a Lifetime Movie.

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